Dec 17, 2011

Facing facts from all sides

 I can't remember the last time I lost something...except a girl. It's been a good run for a long long time and I am trying to categorize how I'm feeling in some way...trying to make sense of the multidimensional pain I'm feeling right now. Not physical, that part has passed and is simply a memory, not even a painful one. No this pain is much worse than that, it's worse than losing. Why? Losing in my opinion is when it's all over, it's immediate. You might not even know it until you feel it but when you lose it's over, you have acknowledge it. But feeling defeated or maybe under dogged...this, in my limited intelligence is a different feeling. It's like a school yard bully punching you in the stomach every day in the hallway. Just when you get your breath...boom...el socko...wind escapes you and you are left reeling. You lose when you give up, you are defeated when you have done all you can and still have not given up. The next step is losing...I can't let myself get there.

 This is worse than the bully punch...this is like the kid who is getting punched just needs to ask his older brother for help and move on with the show but is to prideful. I could ask my parents for help...I could also rob some convenience stores. Both feel like it's the wrong point in my life to do so. At one point both might feel right, right now though...for myself...I feel wrong. They may come to the rescue in the end and  I love the hell out of them for always being there for me in ways that I never even understand until the situation occurs...I guess that is the nature of a parent, at least mine. I wouldn't want to know any different and feel privileged for having such a backdrop of support from them. I fear that i will never do their raising justice if i can't pass some of that love onto a little one, one of these days....but hey, now I'm just being sappy and sentimental...let me tell you what I'm doing...

 Sitting in this rented p.o.s. Ford focus on the shores of the Georgian bay, I've driven over 800kms in the last two days looking at the best two prospect vehicles in the region that I have a price point that doesn't make me choke. To spend more on another vehicle than the Chariot just makes my anus pucker as my attention to money does not allow me to piss it away without retched self beration (I have never's just money...maybe that is something I need to explore)

 First vehicle was a bust due to the condition and the second vehicle, even though it's condition was much much better suffered from a serious case of the ontario rots. But I met a really nice guy today, maybe one of the nicest people I've met on my whole trip. Genuine, honest and appreciative of my quest.  I was so hoping that his van was the one...I'd have been on the road tomorrow..alas though..the search continues.

The end of fall...

On the way back through Barrie I tapped into the U of T radio station and they had the cutest sounding girl on their who was an exchange student from Germany (even though it sounded like she was french). It was her last day and so the element of loss, celebration and a coming void was apparent (at least to me) in the show. The two girls bantered back and forth about music, the differences between scenes here compared to over there etc. And then the exchange student was given the chance to play some tunes she had brought in...and for whatever reason...listening to someone sing in another language, with groovy electronic backbeat...opened up my flood gates. Why...who knows...I have been having spells since the explosion where I feel that quiver and tear up, I toughed most of them out wondering to myself just what it was accomplishing (mostly while down in toledo when i felt incredibly helpless)....I needed a place to I drove into Collingwood, headed for the Bay and found myself here with rivers streaming down my cheeks staring at this vast body of water. Raindrops streaming down my windows are providing camouflage for any chance visitors...lamenting foreign singer in the background....and for some is perfect. The weather is turning and it's about to snow..the lake is active and the shores are being lapped with white-capped's perfect...perfectly painful, perfectly liberating, perfectly terrifying, welcoming, warming, softening, understanding, refreshing, awakening yet all that and still perfectly foreign to me.

 It's easy to say “Go home, get some love...start over...and all of the other sayings”'s really not. Part of me fears that in the safety and comfort of love I might fall apart in the epic fashion that people do when their life has been altered drastically or worse fall back into routine. I was looking at my pictures last night, cycling through my time on Ruby Beach to the first snow i saw on the mountains in Jasper and all in between...I had just gotten started. There was so much more to come...there is so much more to come.. I love the was the most unbelievable feeling to be on my time in my way and I guess I'm scared that it might not be the same when I start again or if I will get to start again. I've always been scared of the unknown. Too logical, too concrete, too resistant, too ego protective, too enclosed...TOO much ..of everything, too much to change.....a classic self defeating argument...who am I if i am not the me that i was?
booyah...not one of the better trip days
 And as my tears dry up I smile, all the same fears I had when I first started this trip but was too bullheaded to allow them to come to the surface. I came into the trip not knowing what to expect...its been all that and more.  

 So I am thinking, in this moment of challenge can I turn it into something different? Use some love to gather some momentum, hit the road running and still be Savannah bound.......

 I ask..what do you think the best way to raise money to help me but also help someone else might be?

Let's hope you are all not going to run away with a little manstrogen display

  And that's how we roll on a cellphone (mostly) blogpost...Friday Dec 16th, 3:38pm. Posted Dec17pm after adding pics and links


  1. "Part of me fears that in the safety and comfort of love I might fall apart in the epic fashion that people do when their life has been altered drastically...." --> That wouldn't be the WORST thing. Maybe you need to fall apart. And then come out of it stronger. (From someone who has looked at the bottom of a very black barrel and come out of it.)

    You won'd fall back into a routine. None of us will let you!!

  2. Hi H, I think you being emotional right now would be normal & I think Darlene is on the right track. You need to let them out & feel them to understand what is causing them. It probably wouldn't hurt to let yourself explore that for a couple of days or even weeks. You need to ask yourself what you are holding on to about yourself that you won't let go of? What have you created as your story in life as to what you think is true about yourself? What do you really want to create in your life?

    You will never go back to being a routine guy as long as you continue to search. You are also not the same guy that started this trip 6 months ago so you can never go back to being who you once were.

  3. Just checked in with you. I'm going to link your blogspot in a newsletter I'm putting out tomorrow. It'll be at:

    Here's something to chew on. I had to really grapple with this before I could actually believe it but now it's my mantra and gives me total freedom. Here it is:

    "There are no mistakes, so there cannot be failure. Eliminate those fears and you may be more spontaneous. Life is a series of experiences. Live them! You cannot make a mistake or fail." (Credit to my therapist, Clark Reed).

    You are unique and your dreams are inspiring others. Hang in there. Whatever you do will take you to where you're supposed to be. So just do something - anything. It doesn't really matter so much what. Don't let fear hang you up now. It's not who you are.

    Is this your latest post? If so, are you still in Ontario? Let me know. If you're still looking for a reliable but cheap replacement RV, I may be able to help. Who knows what could happen next?


Thank you!